


The Best Parts of Me

by Hikaru Yuy (hikaruyuy)



Series: Operation: Parenting [16]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Bittersweet, Discussion of Death, Don't worry it's not Heero he is indestructable, Heero thinks about death more than he'd like to admit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Multi, Parent Death, introspective, sort of angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikaruyuy/pseuds/Hikaru%20Yuy
Summary: Millie's classmates lose a parent, sparking questions that Heero does and doesn't want to answer about the matters of life and death.
Relationships: Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy
Series: Operation: Parenting [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1206309
Kudos: 10





	The Best Parts of Me

**Author's Note:**

> A post in a Facebook community I'm part of (Sissy Squad) I saw this morning inspired this quickie piece. Basically asking how you discuss death with a young child, with comments giving advice and examples of how these people handled it with theirs. It got me thinking, "How would Heero handle this kind of question from his five year old?" and went from there.
> 
> This took a little longer than I'd intended simply because Heero gets REALLY introspective about death so I had to trim some fat, but not by much.
> 
> Obviously this fic discusses death (in general and more specifically as parent death) so if that's not your thing, this fic isn't for you. And Heero references a bit of his childhood (before Odin Lowe) which, whilst it doesn't explicitly list the abuses Seis did (or Aoi did), it implies that Heero's mother and stepfather were Not Ideal, so I figured I'd mention that as well.

_July, AC 204_

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

I looked at Millie in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were gazing at things out the window, trees and houses flitting past. I sighed, my grip on the steering wheel tightening a little. In the parenting group Relena and I joined on Facebook five years ago, someone recently posted about their three year old asking the “death question” as they referred to it, and how they should handle it. Not an unusual thing to ask, child or adult--I worked with many who asked themselves that same question: where do we go when we die? 

“You go to sleep and don’t wake up again,” I answered. I wasn’t going to go into details with her, or at least nothing nitty gritty. She didn’t need to know little details like your heart stopping, blood ceasing to pump through your veins. Your organs shutting down one by one. Nervous system functions shut down. The light leaving someone’s eyes.

I didn’t want her to ask me how I knew.

I didn’t want to tell her how I knew.

“Okay so...do they tell us when we’re gonna die?”

We pulled up to a stop light.

“No one knows when they’re going to die until shortly before,” I said. “Or at least that’s what they say.”

“Who’s ‘they’, Daddy?”

I looked at Rori in the mirror, blissfully unaware of her sister’s line of questioning, before continuing on our drive.

“Scientists, sweetheart.”

“So then no one knows when they’re gonna die? It just happens?”

“Mm.”

She crossed her arms over her seat harness, pouting.

“That’s dumb.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s better off that way, Millie. How can you enjoy life if you know how much time is left?”

According to Saint Dismas’ faith based teachings, there was such a thing as fate and destiny, that it’s all pre-orchestrated by God and the Divine, concepts unfamiliar to someone like me who believed in nothing. Is there a specific time and place where each person is fated to cease all function and start rotting away? If there is, I felt bad for whoever had to spin the yarn that wove the fabric of my life together. This line of thinking came up every time Preventer lost one of their own; after all the show of condolences towards the family left behind, they drank some kind of refreshment offered at the repast, congregated around familiarity. Traded empty words and sipped on room temperature punch, before asking the hard question of, “Is there life after death?”

“It’s better if we do know, Daddy. Then we can do all the things we want to.”

“There’s no such thing as enough time.”

“That’s _stupid_ .” She mumbled something before saying, “Are you _sure_ there’s no way?”

“Not even doctors know.”

“So you don’t know when you’re gonna die?”

“No one does, myself included.”

When do we die? What’s waiting for us on the other side? There was no concrete answer and at 24 years old I wasn’t sure I even wanted one. Some took comfort in God and religion, others insisted there was absolutely nothing and rotting away was our only destiny as animals made of nothing but flesh and bone. If asked my opinion, I offered nothing except that I considered myself lucky to still be alive. To have lived long enough to have the Universe find me worthy to have four kids, a partner, and a wife who loved me. I didn’t want to think about death anymore.

“But don’t grown ups know everything?”

“No one knows everything, least of all me. I don’t even think it’s possible to.”

“I guess…”

“Can I ask you a question, Millie?”

Our eyes met in the rearview for a moment.

“What, Daddy?”

“What made you think of this?”

She shifted in her car seat.

“Jacob and Francesca’s mom died, and Teacher Rosa told us that she’s with Jesus now.”

I pulled into the carpark and thought of how to handle this as I parked into one of the vacant spaces closest to the exit.

“Jesus?” I asked, turning the car off and getting keys and other assorted items together in my bag before exiting the car. Getting Rori out of the car would be tricky because she’d fallen asleep during the ride, and Relena always told me it was best to let them sleep. Leaving our four year old in the car wasn’t an option even if it were legal to do so when, as a Preventer agent, I always had a target on my back. I’d seen agents lose their family to a sudden house explosion, or to an arson caused by people who didn’t agree with our mission statement to protect the fragile thing called “peace”. And it certainly didn’t help that my wife was formerly known as “Queen Relena”, a title they still referred to her as even when she was titled vice foreign minister.

“Yes, Daddy.” Millie was busy trying to undo the harness--soon I’d be able to convert it to a booster seat and have her use the regular seatbelt, easier for her to undo, but made me feel uneasy nonetheless when I found the harness safer. She gave up after a few moments as I worked to undo Rori’s.

“Do you know him?” she asked.

“Not personally,” I said, as Rori stirred. “You’d have to ask Uncle Duo or Aunt Thalia.”

“Where are we?” Rori asked through a yawn. I waited for her to finish stretching before helping her out of the backseat.

“The park. Figured it’d be nice for you to play with kids whose parents aren’t coworkers with your dad.”

Millie was half out of the harness by the time I made it over to the other side of the car.

“Do you know, Daddy?”

“Know what?” Free from the harness, I carried her out of the car and set her on the ground next to her still sleepy sister before opening the trunk. Inside the car diaper bag for the kids were things like sunscreen, granola bars, small toys, diapers and diaper accessories for Aiden and Odin… Parenting essentials, Relena called it. My plan was to slather them in sunscreen anywhere they would be exposed. I crouched down so I was at their level and got to work on Millie.

“Where their mom was taken,” Millie said, as I rubbed sunscreen on her arms. I gave her a look.

“Heaven, I guess,” I told her. “If that’s what your teacher believes.”

“But _where_? Is heaven a place we can go?” She pointed at the sky. “It’s supposed to be up there somewhere, so is heaven a colony?”

“Daddy can’t say, because he doesn’t know. Ask Uncle Duo when he’s over later.”

“Are there multiple places you can go when you die? Like can you pick one?”

I shrugged, working on her legs now.

“I’m not dead, so I wouldn’t know.” I gave her a small smile. “But maybe you can.” I sprayed more sunscreen on my hand and worked it into her neck and face, being careful to not get it in her eyes like I did last time. She made a face.

“Is that what a ‘last ill and tessamint’ is for? To tell you what you want when you get into heaven? Otherwise how do they know?”

“No, stupid,” Rori said, “that’s so people know who gets stuff.”

I gave Rori one of my Dad Looks as Relena called them. “Aurora, we don’t call people ‘stupid’.”

“Sorry, Daddy.”

“Don’t apologise to me, apologise to your sister.”

“Sorry, Millie.”

Rori offered her arms out to me and I did the same process with her. Once we were ready, I put the sunscreen back in the car, made sure that it was locked, and took the girls--one of their hands in one of mine on either side--to the park where hopefully they would find kids to run around and play with instead of asking me a million questions about death.

* * *

_"Odin?”_

_He looked at me, his face harsh in the glow of the fireplace, before going back to what he was doing. In his hands was a pistol, field stripped and in the process of being cleaned by the oil rag unfolded on his knee. I never asked why he did this in the light of fire, but knowing him it probably had to do with ambiance. Always said it was essential to know how to handle weapons in all lighting conditions, and that included taking them apart, cleaning them, and putting them back together._

_“Yeah, kiddo?”_

_I shifted off my knees in favour of a cross legged position._

_“What happens when we die?”_

_He chuckled as he worked the rag in and around the crevices of the gun barrel._

_“Dunno, but I’m probably going on a one way to hell,” he said._

_I looked at him funny. I had no concept for these things, concepts for heaven or hell. All I knew was that one place was supposedly for good people, and the other for bad. I had no idea what determined your fate._

_“Why hell?”_

_“Because it’s the only fitting place for people like us,” he said. “This kind of life taints us, and no amount of scrubbing cleans us. Weighs so heavy that we can’t ascend, we have no choice but to fall.” He chuckled again. “Or at least that’s what my own mentor told me 15-some odd years ago.”_

_I toyed with the firing pin as he cleaned each part._

_“Does that mean that I’ll end up in hell?”_

_He paused, considering each option carefully before looking at me._

_“No, kiddo. You’re too kindhearted to end up in hell.”_

I watched Millie and Rori play, tablet completely forgotten on my lap. I wasn’t in the mood to look over reports; I was too busy envying my kids for being lucky enough to have normal childhoods where they could run around and play with kids their own age and live a carefree existence. At Millie’s age my biological father came for me after hearing about the man my mother married and what kind of person he was. As a result I ended up having no name, no sense of identity, no sense of home or belonging, and hands stained with blood.

If I was honest, I would’ve probably ended up having these same problems regardless. I didn’t blame Odin Lowe for it. But I wasn’t going to pass these same problems on to my children. I didn’t want death to touch any of them for a very, very long time if I could help it. That’s why I never took Millie or Rori to any agent funerals. It would require too much explanation, and after Agent LoRossa’s daughter made a scene over the fact that, when she was older she would have to go through this process with her own mother, I opted to keep my children home. No need for them to watch stoic faced agents shaking hands with the grieving widow or widower and expressing empty condolences.

My children would grow up better than I ever could. Those teachings, secrets, and lessons all end with me. I fought so that they would never have to.

* * *

“Daddy...does it hurt to die?”

I closed her dresser drawer and turned to face her. She hugged her teddy bear tighter, burying her face into the soft fur.

“Like hell.” I frowned. “In a lot of ways, death hurts like hell.”

“It makes people sad,” Rori added in. “They cry a lot.”

“I’ll be sad when you die.”

I sat on the edge of her bed, her eyes focusing on the kitten pattern on her duvet cover.

“I don’t want you to die,” she whispered, fingering the ribbon around the bear’s neck. “Can’t you stay around forever?”

I cupped her cheek and wiped away the tears that fell. I hated that she was consumed with these thoughts; at the same time I wasn’t going to ignore them or lie to her.

“It’s okay to be sad,” I said, my voice extra soft. “Unfortunately, unless science advances a lot more, death is still an inevitability--meaning that it’s going to happen no matter what you do.” I pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear as she sniffled.

“But what will I do without you as my daddy?”

I took a deep breath. The pain in my heart was immense at those words.

“You don’t have to worry about that for a long, long time, Millie.”

“But--”

“No matter where I am, as long as blood pumps through your veins, I’m with you.” I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “You and your siblings are made up of half of me and half of Mama, and nothing will change that.”

She fell into my arms, her tiny arms wrapping around my torso. I stroked her hair and planted kisses on the top of her head.

“And the half of me I gave you is made up of the best parts of me.”

After I tucked her and her sister in and kissed them both goodnight, I found myself in the nursery where I found Relena gazing into Aiden’s crib. I couldn’t make out her whispers, but Aiden’s sleepy coo brought a small smile to my face, and in that moment I realised I’d made the best choice in my life by asking Relena to marry me and start a family.

I circled my arms around her shoulders and kissed her ear.

“Heero…” She sounded relaxed, content. She turned in my embrace, palms against my chest, and kissed me with such passion that I’d be lying if I said my knees didn’t nearly give out.

“I love you,” she breathed against my mouth as she broke the kiss. Her face was flushed, her eyes dark and half-lidded as she nudged me towards the door.

“I love you,” I answered, my mouth finding hers again. I tried to walk up the stairs but found that difficult to do backwards, and Relena didn’t seem to care that we fell against the wall together, her legs wrapping around me.

I didn’t want to think about death anymore. All I wanted to do was live.


End file.
